New woman in my old home
My mother called me at midnight - on my birthday
because her “heart felt heavy” and she “needed to tell me something”
she said “first, I need you to sit down”
I just spent an amazing- relaxing weekend in Chicago
treating myself to anything I wanted.
didn’t even drive, I took the train.
I cut her off right away because the news I was waiting to give her- she was about to give me.
I said “if it’s about C I already know and I don’t care. Why can’t I escape him? Everytime I feel like I am moving on, someone wants to remind me of him.”
She said “I think people are just worried about you. That you’ll fall into depression again.”
And that’s when I told her not to say anything else to me about him, and fell asleep.
I’ve been struggling this week. The news stopped me in my tracks.
I found myself randomly crying
taking long hot showers
tilting my head back
letting the water pour
over me
and talking to god
asking to be washed from this too.
In the mornings
I would sit at the edge of
my bed
and just
breathe
long and carefully
before exiting into the world
I’d excuse myself from work meetings
and outings with friends
I took really good care of myself
because I could feel myself spiraling.
I try so hard
to remember the beautiful moments
like when I was pregnant
he’d make me pancakes in the morning
or we’d meet for lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant
it’s also where we had our first date
and in summer, I’d watch him play the drums during sunsets
when our son finally came into the world
he brought him over to me and said
“look at our baby-isn’t he’s the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen?”
These are the moments
I want to
share with our son
if he ever asks
‘did you love my dad?”
Truth is
I did
with my entire heart
and I want to believe
he was a good man
but
he just wasn’t.
It feels like just three years ago, I was living a completely different life
fighting to survive
dead
from years of abuse
classic case of the stupid woman who refuses to leave her abuser
And this is the pain I am reminded of
When I want to believe he is a good man.
So to my surprise
When I got the news
I felt something
I had yet to feel
something that made me hate him all over again
that made me feel
unlovable
and unwanted.
I had to keep checking myself
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU NICOLE
Like a mad woman...
nothing is wrong with you
nothing.
For a whole week
I did this.
And then
on the morning
of my 37th birthday
something inside me snapped
I booked a fancy hotel room on Michigan Ave
bought round trip train tickets
clothed myself in all black
from head to toe
as if I was attending a funeral
let my hair down
applied a beautiful red lip
trench coat
and platform heels
like some fancy elusive woman
and took off
to a city where no one knew me
to a place where
I could walk
with my head high
and smile
where I could remove
the scarlet letter from my chest
and
just be.
Be free from
being
broken and bruised.
Be free from
people wanting me to just “get over it”
even if just for a few days.
A friend showed me
the ultrasound picture
because I didn’t believe the rumors
I saw the 200+ congratulatory comments underneath it
-noone I recognized.
I also saw a pic of them together
appearing to be
happy...
as if
I never existed.
as if
we never had a family of our own.
as if
I never danced in the home
She now lives in.